After 28 years, I KNOW I CAN DO THIS.

Well it finally happened. The price of a pack of cigarettes and a gallon of petrol have now come into balance. A gallon of petrol could propel my car 28 miles. Contrastingly, a pack of 20 oxygen robbing cigarettes could not propel me nearly that far- My lungs can no longer keep up with the air requirement to propel my mountain bike, let alone dance and I really enjoy dancing!

Once upon a time when I was grossly involved with my addiction- I would fore go sustenance to ensure I had at least a pack of cigarettes on hand. My stomach would be growling quite audibly, but I'd ignore it, as long as I got my nicotine fix.

Whenever I felt hungry, I'd "comfort" myself with the knowledge that at least I had some smokes. For years I smoked in what seemed like wild abandon. It was my safety blanket when I got stood up for a date. It was there for me when I felt depressed, when I was lonely in a crowd, when I was stressed and when I was drunk, It was there my mini-escape from reality. In the late Nineties, I went on the patch. I had not smoked for almost four months, then I relapsed. A decade later I knew I had to try again, because I've been lying to myself for what seemed to be all the fucking time:

"I'll quit smoking next week."
"I will quit smoking soon."
"This is my last cigarette."
"I really need to stop smoking."

I made "quit dates" and ignored them. I went on the patch and smoked anyway.
I smoked long cigarettes, I smoked short cigarettes, I smoked roached cigarettes.
When I ran out and had no cash or plastic to get more, my inner junkie would come out and I saw myself staking out public ashtrays- hunting for cigarettes long enough for me to rip-off the filters and smoke the remainder like a joint.

Thinking aloud one day, I surmised, what were my triggers for reaching for my cigarettes? Plainly, it's boredom. Why is it that we all must "look busy" at all times? Then it occurred to me... I don't. It's okay to be doing nothing at all, it's okay not to smoke.

The sub-conscience urge.

It was strange and quite weird when I first noticed this phenomena. I was sitting and chatting amongst a group of friends. Of my friends, all but two smoke cigarettes regularly. I reached for my pack and extracted one cigarette. It was then that I noticed other smokers also reach for their pack and take-out a cigarette. Yet, unlike me, they all sparked up. It was like watching a wildfire in slow motion...

Ouch.

I ran out of cigarettes last Friday afternoon, 25 May, around six-ish. It was then that I made the decision that I refuse to buy more. I know I can do this. Case in point- one week prior, I was washing my car, I spent four hours performing that labor of love and not once during that afternoon did I feel the urge to light up.

Last Sunday, I found a cigarette with a hit left on it. So, being the nico-addict that I am, I lit it and inhaled. I had gone 36 hours without nicotine and this small booster of nicotine sent my physiology into hyper-drive. The first thing I felt was light-headed to the point of feeling dizzy. Then I noticed my heart rate jump to a faster pace, then I began sweating and felt a headache beginning to form. I immediately sought out my bed and waited almost ten minutes for me to recuperate and for the first time it did something I had never anticipated- it scared me.

It is now the night of Tuesday, 29 May. It's been at least 48 hours since I took that hit off the roached cigarette. I'm still without cash. My car now has a low fuel indicator illuminating my dash cluster. I've located my 2mg nico-gum. Rotten Robbie's is selling "nicotine infused water" in 2 mg doses.

I have yet to test my new found freedom from cigarettes. I've yet to venture out to where the smokers congregate. I've yet to subject myself to having a drink in one hand and feel the "need" to have a cigarette in the other. But to help me in those moments of weakness, I have a new mantra...

I can do this.

I can do this.

I CAN DO THIS.

After 28 years, I KNOW I CAN DO THIS.