Lemme Try That Again...

Okay, I found my trigger. My overwhelming URGE for nicotine. And it is the same thing that I've been struggling with for YEARS now. C'mon take a wild guess as to what my trigger might be. Go ahead, I'll wait... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Give Up? What? You want a hint? No sorry, no hints.

Well, just ONE.

It felt like a mini panic attack. My heart started racing, my mind was suddenly moving at the speed of light and I began to move about the house sans direction.

It was stressful.

It was S-T-R-E-S-S.

I went and dug a crumpled pack of cheapy cigarettes from the dumpster outside the garage. I had crushed the pack the night before. Now here I was gingerly opening the cover and began withdrawing one cigarette at a time, from the pack. Of the eight cancer sticks remaining there was three that were "salvagable". I justified this action as ok because I really hate to "waste" anything. Yeah, it's true I don't, however, I've been wasting my lungs for years, so where the hell is the trade-off?

Anyway...

The smoke tasted gross.

I smoked the entire thing. Then went in the house and scrubbed my tongue with minty tooth gel and washed my hands.

The old saying of things always happens in three's. It seems like it's happening again... Today, 18 August, third time is the charm, I believe it to be true of Taureans and it will be true of cancer-causing paper wrapped tubes of death.

Huh? What caused the stress? Does it really matter? No- What matters most is that I know that it's a trigger and I will get over that feeling. Forcing a faux hyper ventatlation and getting massive amounts of air into my lungs will do wonders.