Cold Feet vs. Raw Nerve

I consider myself a patient, low maintenance, guy. A real man's man as the old cliche goes. I am cool and mellow and when anything happens to get me riled, I strike. Usually verbally, although I've been known to deck someone if given "just cause". Just cause with me would be if some dude threw the first punch despite being warned to the contrary. All in all, I can handle myself if need be. I would often take the initiative- sparking a conversation with a stranger I found interesting, I say 'hello' to passerby on the street, talk to animals to coax them off busy roadways, etc. You could say I'm outgoing. Hell, I describe myself as outgoing.

Like Deanna Troi (ST:TNG) I'm comfortable with my empathic ability to "read" people. I tend to strip the wheat from the chafe pretty readily. And sometimes the chafe is more interesting then the wheat! But I digress.Yet, when it comes to matters of the heart, my Betazoid-like senses short circuit. Senses that I rely on scramble and instinct goes on the defensive. To sum it up- I'm confused, but I've learned not to distrust "gut feelings". Instead observation proves that I'm suppressing those gut feelings. There's one man in particular. I'll refer to him as "Joshua".

I've known Joshua for about seven years, he, like me, is a cool and friendly guy. We both have similar viewpoints regards to the world around us. We're in sync with our tastes in music and are both open to new genres from foreign lands. Joshua's got a refined "bad boy" quality about him. His street smarts are tight and cautious, his vocabulary is extraordinary and he has a wonderful smile. Joshua chooses both his battles and his words very carefully. And he doesn't toss around the word 'love' with wild meaningless abandon.

Almost eight months ago, we were at a house party with many other friends in attendance. Joshua was the designated driver for many party revelers, therefore he was not drinking that night. I caught up with him shortly after midnight. I'm making my rounds taking hits off of a chilled champagne bottle, he is leaning against a barn post drinking from a bottle of water. Walking over to Joshua, I wished him a happy new year. He pulls me into an embrace and says "I love you" into my left ear. I then felt the most softest lips touch mine in a kiss that made me lose my breath and my toes to curl. Initially, I was in shock. Wow. Oh man. Damn, dude. All I could say was thank-you and wander away with this big-assed grin on my face. That grin didn't leave me for a number of days! I know that I'm in love with Joshua. Actually, I have been interested in him for quite sometime (about four years). He had gone through a rather nasty break-up with his BF at the time. I don't get involved in those type of matters that don't concern me. I'm patient and wait until the time is right for me to act. When he said that he loved me, it was like the flood gates had been opened- finally all those emotions that I had for him on the extreme down low surfaced.

I could be sitting in alone in a room, think of him and smile. When days would pass on without me seeing him I would get this chest pain. It's a dull tugging type pain. Which goes away the moment I see him. I've been living painfully with cold feet for eight months. Not one to upset the apple cart, I don't want to toss away a long-term friendship by allowing romantic feelings to get in the way. But now I only sob as I try to cope with my confusion.

However, raw nerve, is getting the best of me. There have been numerous "pregnant pauses" lately. Bits of time that seem to be waiting for something to be said. I've always had a gift for written communication. I can think on my feet. When I'm nervous I tend to think rather fast and speak rather fast, when I think on my feet. I would blurt out un-filtered ideas and statements that at times embarrass me. Oh well, whatever. I live in the here and now and don't like to dwell on the past. Some things in my distant past I've blocked because I had to. I can recall them into my everyday mind if I need to. And I no longer have the sound of my mom's screams reverberating in my skull like I used to. Damn- it's been over thirty years since the wife-beating-sperm-donor caused my mom to shriek and scream and it still brings tears to my eyes. Again, I digress.

Throw caution to the wind. State your peace. It's coming to a head. I can't take this anymore- it's like I'm turning into a bloody basket case. Raw nerve is going to end this self-induced pain I've been feeling. I need to tell Joshua how I feel about him and let the cards fall where they may.

Because I'll just have to deal with it the best I know how...